After sunset there will be almost darkness – only the moon she shines the reflections. And when the sun rises again there will be a new day, a new chance, a new beginning and light will shine upon the left overs of the darkness in the night.
find attached my very personal journey and approach to address the challenges of the times…with gratitude. Ardas
Sat naam Sangat ji,
These past days and weeks have been very challenging for me as for many of you as well.
We are facing the allegations against Yogi Bhajan, the man who brought Kundalini Yoga and Teachings about spirit and human journey with all its facets to so many people around the world.
We are hearing the voices of women and men that belonged to his closest staff and now after many years find their voice and speak up about the abuse of power they experienced there.
I have been quiet till now, reading, feeling, thinking and talking to close friends. I have had many reactions and many different feelings and still go through ups and downs, lefts and rights. It feels like a Tsunami has hit the sangat. I am sure there are many more and even bigger waves to come to humanity soon.
Being loving and kind with myself, I am observing all my emotions, all my thoughts, all my inner reactions and refrain from immediately acting on them to give myself space and some time to understand, to feel and to digest. I feel ready now to also share a bit and make myself visible.
“If the time is on you, act and the pressure will be off”
Me too I have suffered from abuse of power, from being bullied at school by peers and teachers, to sexual abuse, rape and violence. No I have not experienced the darkest of the dark. I know that there is much more suffering out there. From these experiences and more, I became an angry young woman, especially towards men and people in power. I also became a warrior and a rebel, I stood up in school to defend the unheard and bullied ones, I fought for freedom and women`s rights, I became a social worker and worked with girls that ran away from home, that had suffered abuse and did or did not have a voice. I worked in a state department to counsel women who were pregnant and either needed help with this or wanted an abortion.
In all my pain and hurt, my anger had saved me from feeling only shattered or unworthy. In close relationships with men I was very often easily disappointed and my anger here did not help me much but also destroyed what I had wanted to keep.
“Recognize the other is you”
With 27 my healing journey started. After one abortion, I became pregnant again and was brave enough to say yes even though I did not feel ready to take on this big responsibility.
I have had great teachers in my life, – my parents – who have given me love and values and also skepticism and so much more.
My son has been my biggest teacher. He has cracked my heart open so I would be overflowing with love and pain at the same time. For him, I reconsidered my values and strategies. I needed to strip off layers of pain, one by one, digest my anger, understand depression, let free my sadness and cry so many tears, become aware of my fear and my own use of power, work on my communication…. and so much more….to be continued until the end of my life.
When pregnant with 27 I met Kundalini Yoga, it helped me to deal with all those changes in my life and all those unwanted feelings. I was supported through the birth by the voice of my Kundalini Yoga teacher in my head, that would tell me…you can do it…you are doing a good job… trust in you….keep up….you have the power…..lean on the divine wisdom…and so on. Not that I knew anything about the divine wisdom at that time…God was not in my picture at all…but in this transforming experience of becoming a mother and giving life to a beautiful human being, I discovered it.
Kundalini Yoga has saved my life, when in the first year after birth, I was left alone by the father of my son, I was in postnatal depression but at that time it was more or less unknown. I wanted to end my life, but singing the mantras….exchanging honestly with other mothers, hearing the teachings….feeling my body…I understood – I can heal -and I will always be there for my son and for myself. I am ever so grateful.
I started the Kundalini Pregnancy Yoga Teacher Training when my son was 8 months old. That was in 1999. I started the Level 1 Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training in 2001. I was still very disappointed, very sad and very angry back then and when I learned about Humanology and the teachings about men and women, I would ask many questions, challenge the teachers and doubt the teachings. When I saw my first video of YB I was quite shocked by his appearance, his style, his language and tone of voice and how he got adored and treated by the people surrounding him. So when I had the chance to meet him in Hamburg, I knew I had no desire to do so.
My own trainers in my teacher trainings were always interested in my questioning mind and the pain and emotions behind. They did their very best to hear me and see me and answer my questions. I got never yelled at or laughed about, but I got challenged and I got confronted, by the teachings and the teachers. I am grateful that I was ready for this. The teachings were confronting my ego, my values and my beliefs.
Through all this crying and release during the yoga and the singing I was enabled to feel beneath these layers of pain and anger. I dared to allow this former structure that had served me till here, to be questioned – to find out that I was capable of so much love, so much compassion. I am still continuing on this journey to allow my heart to become bigger and bigger to be able to hold the pain and love.
“Understand through compassion or you will misunderstand the times”
In 2004 I was substitute for the teacher of the weekly yoga class I went to. After class, another Yoga teacher came to me and asked me….you are looking for a spiritual teacher?…..I said ….no I have looked at all of them in the Kundalini Yoga scene and I was not interested in big yelling men with jewelry on their fingers sitting on thrones…She then said….I have a small skinny one for you with red hair…. So I went to see him the next weekend. I sat in the back and I knew that I had to stay….
By that time, I appreciated KY in my life but did not have any interest in getting deeper with it, as I did not understand YB language and many things remained unclear and unanswered. I appreciated the experience, the community, the teachings for women. I had shifted from a feminist that knew everything and that fought against (also against her own emotions and weaknesses) to a feminist that started to embrace her own polarities and paradoxes, emotions and weaknesses.
If Shiv Charan Singh would have not crossed my path, I probably would have left that KY path again. I entered into that relationship with a spiritual teacher, being very awake and alert, looking for any signs of not living up to his words…To describe my own experience and journey with this….it would fill many pages…maybe another time…just here for the record….through his teachings of numerology, through his fearless confrontation of my patterns, through his availability to always communicate and never turn his back, through his pointing towards my inner truth and the teachings itself, I found the diamond in my heart. I continue to learn from him and through him and I am also aware that he is only the vessel through which the teachings have become available for me.
And no, I do not put him on a pedestal, yes, I see his humanness… I do not always agree…..but my perceptions and projections have been wrong and painful many times in my life, so I am also open to look at things from many perspectives.
And this is why I wrote this long text.
“Vibrate the cosmos and the cosmos will clear the path”
I will stand up for truth – where at the same time I acknowledge that there are several versions of truth
I will continue to embrace my experience and my emotions – where at the same time I will allow to change perspective and let go of one-sided opinions.
I will allow the pain and love of my heart and others, widen the space in my heart to hold it all – all the paradox and polarities of life, – where at the same time I will continue to hold up my values and stand by the virtues of the teachings.
I will continue to work on living up to my highest aspirations and frequency – where at the same time, I will acknowledge that I am a human being with needs and patterns, with karma and challenges and blind spots.
I want to be part of a community and contribute my bit, hold space for women and men, for children and parents, for emotions and thoughts.
I want to be available for meaningful and honest communication, even if challenging – where at the same time I will not be available for slander and gossip.
I want to continue to be shaken by the teacher and the teachings, to become conscious of my blind spots.
I will continue to bring as much light as possible for me to carry, to the unfolding of consciousness in each single one that comes to my consultations and classes and to the background organizations that provide the structure.
I will acknowledge that there are many voices to be heard and many structures to be changed – where at the same time, I acknowledge the need for structure and people that dare to take responsibilities.
I will continue to listen closely to my inner voice and continue to learn to discern between my mind and my intuition.
I will start to speak my voice more often, to truly love myself so that I dare to be empowered, and will not fear the slander that might come with being seen and heard.
I will start a new relationship to power, money and sex. I have had so much fear around the misuse of it, that I have almost denied the importance of it in my life – it is time for a new consciousness here.
I will also acknowledge that I am far from knowing or understanding all and that ultimately I can only surrender to love and compassion and forgiveness and see that each single path is unique.
“There is a way through every block”
What to do now with what is happening at the moment?
What can we do to uplift each other and grow in consciousness?
How to address blind spots in each one of us and in the sangat?
What do we need to feel safe and at the same time willing to change perspectives?
What does each one of us need to conduct her/his self well when challenged?
What are the next steps to allow healing and change?
Do I have the answers? No
Let us come together and look at what you need and what we need.
Let us give space to emotions arising and allow voices to be heard.
Let us address what needs to change.
Let us look behind the illusions of Maya, the games and the mind and challenge our expectations.
Let us unite and at the same time allow the differences.
Let us support each other in this process and allow a state of not-knowing.
Let us build compassion and love – to have an open and strong heart and a peaceful mind.
Ardas
